scattered thoughts!

On this day, which is the sixth Sunday of March 2022. It was last night, all distracting thoughts, thinking of a solution, things that make me not feel comfortable, neither at night nor during the day, problems accumulating on one side to the other, rent on one side and living on the other, the world narrowed me down with what I welcomed, and I started thinking about solutions, from Where will I start, should I migrate to a far place and leave my small family, or something else like suicide, and how to do that, should I buy gasoline and burn my body with it in public, or be exposed to a train, bus, car, truck, etc., or commit suicide by drowning in the sea, Or throw myself off a tall building. All thoughts come to me in my sleep and wake up, why? , The question I ask myself, Who am I? Why is my dream lost since childhood? Who is the reason? I tried several times or always, to be of a good level, I was serious in my childhood, I love to study and love to work and trade, and I was trying to help my mother with the burden of time, because frankly in our country we depend only on God (on heaven), no social assistance Neither human care nor social security, the important thing is that a person must come to live, even if it is at the expense of his body. Circumstances are miserable to the point of loss, abject poverty, rent living, electricity, water, all things with money in return, not even a free candle or even a bag of salt from social welfare, and these rights are not available in our country at present. My family was lost and homeless because of the high cost of living, and the absence of housing, which is the grave of life, we do not provide it, we and others like us, many of us without counting, thousands of people suffer from owning housing. In order not to bore you, it is a long story, and in order not to deviate from my topic that I started, I stopped studying in the last section of primary school, due to the inability to study because it does not provide books for free or tools, all at the expense of the parents, so I left school and I am grieving for my situation. I went directly to looking for work, and worked as a baker’s assistant for three years, during which time I became a maker and got work as an official in a large oven in the middle of a neighborhood. Sweat pouring down my face and the fire inflames me with its sea, and the dough in front of me is leavened, I have no choice but to make the whole dough, from the morning until after the disappearance of one hand and I paid consecutively without interruption… The important thing is I left that profession and went to the fabric seller and worked with him as an assistant. With people, and explaining to them, I learned many things about fabric and its types, after three years I changed my profession to sewing, from 1984 to 1987.. This year is a memorial for twenty years of my life, and a painful memory of my mother’s divorce from my father, and we are a conservative family and a society that cannot help because they or some of them live in the same situation, and they are many cases in our society. Divorce is a lot and their children are the ones who pay the price for their parents’ mistakes (suspicious matters). From here my journey begins, relying on myself, I did not find a way, I traveled far from the town in which I was living and headed to the east of the country, and I am twenty years old, I was looking at that time for love, tenderness, sermon, and the plan of the road, I found myself in front of the reality, I came down amid An agricultural city known for its agricultural types, I started to ask about working in the agricultural fields. A person I met in the café took me to the owner of a farmer’s estate, so when the employer shook my hand, he found it wet. I had never worked with an ax before! And my friend told me what the employer said, I started looking for another job that day, and I found a café in a well-known neighborhood on the coastal road, asking for a waiter. who are separated…

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